Radical High-giene Tips for the Discerning Toker

written by Guthrie Stafford

In response to recent suggestions that intravenous injections of disinfectant could be helpful in battling the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, it seems like a good time to share some helpful high-giene tips in order to support the initiative for radical cleanliness. 

(Disclaimer: The following is intended for entertainment and satirical purposes only and should not be taken seriously in any way.)

1. Respiratory Cleansing

Everyone knows it’s important to clean out a bong from time to time to prevent the buildup of unsightly and odoriferous residues. But few cannabis users are aware that a similar treatment can actually be used to refresh and revitalize one’s lungs. Have you ever experienced a slight cough, shortness of breathing after exercise, or general tiredness? All of these may be signs that your lungs are clogged and need cleaning. Fortunately, the process couldn’t be easier. To start with, simply aspirate a well soaped sponge. Any sponge will do, but the more abrasive the better. Jump up and down a few times, perform vigorous sit ups, or roll around on the ground to ensure a thorough internal scrubbing. This part of the procedure may be accompanied by minor discomfort, but don’t worry. No pain, no gain. When the outwash runs clear, your respiratory system will have been restored to a state of pristine, alpine purity. The sponge can be left in place to make future cleanings easier. 

A quick note on safety: soap can cause gastrointestinal irritation if ingested. Make sure it goes into your lungs and not your stomach. 

2. Safety Conscious Sharing:

One of the greatest joys of cannabis consumption is the social communion fostered by the sharing of a simple toke. As we embrace social distancing practices to protect our community from infection, however, it would seem that this joy is no longer feasible. ¡Au contraire! With a few straightforward precautions, the ritual of puff puff pass may be rendered entirely sanitary and safe for even large groups to engage in. One popular and effective method is the passing around of a communal “industrial detergent cup” for a quick swish before partaking. If the smell is disagreeable to the group, however, don’t despair. The application of a little targeted high intensity radiation can sterilize the lips just as effectively. Whatever your chosen strategy, as long as you scour all organic material from the mouth of every participant, you should be able to keep puffing and passing with abandon throughout the pandemic. 

3. Immune Boosting Strains:

By now you’ve sterilized your lungs and your lips, but what strain is pure enough not to sully your newly pristine body? Introducing Purell Kush, the first top shelf cannabis strain from the makers of Purell Hand Sanitizer. With the refreshing aroma of a hospital waiting room and the zesty taste of a latex glove, this strain is sure to satisfy the hypochondriac in all of us. Purell Kush comes hermetically sealed in a chic hazardous bio-waste container, so you can be confident in its quality from the moment it leaves the CDC cannabis laboratory to the moment you spark your first bowl. The flower itself is densely packed and opalescent, although the vibrant color may simply be an effect of the disinfectant gel which covers the nugs. And, as if the quality of this strain didn’t speak for itself, the additional health benefits take it to the next level. The smoke from Purell Kush will actually kill any coronavirus particles it comes in contact with. Not only that, but it will also dissolve the cells in your body which the virus relies on to reproduce. Now that’s what I call a clean hit!

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